I Feel Like Blah, That Means It's Bedtime...

I've been having a lot of alone time lately, and I'm not a fan.

As contradictory as it seems, since I am shy at first, I actually prefer to be around people and to constantly be on the go. Now I enjoy some R&R as much as the next person, but if I have too much, I get bored and my thoughts tend to think about situations that I'd rather them not think about, i.e. exes, money and such. I am also spending way too much time on Facebook and I feel as if I do not have a life. I try to use this time to be productive, whether it's cleaning or mapping out the future or editing photos, but with my roommate gone to work every evening and me not working as much as I thought that I would, I have become in severe need of developing a hobby.

On the up-side, I am taking another trip soon. This time I will be traveling back to Freeport, Grand Bahama, but via cruise, not plane. I'm excited to see my friends that live there. I love getting to chill with people that live in a specific place, b/c I feel as if I get to see more of the area than if I were to just travel as a tourist.

I'm really hoping to get some more days of working at the new job. I went part-time at Disney thinking that this would be an opportunity to make more money, but now I'm not being scheduled. I don't know if there just aren't any shoots, or if her old assistant from last year is taking all the days. Either way, I'm kind of worried. I should still make enough money to get by, but I have student loans coming up that I will start to have to pay back, and I need more income. Well it's in God's hands. I just did what I was told, and now it's up to Him to provide =]

Going to work out in the morning before work at the Sports Complex. It's funny how one's mood can change so randomly. Earlier I couldn't be more excited for what is coming up and now I'm just blah. That means it's bedtime.

Mo' Money, Mo' Problems.

Ever have those times where you just wish you could cease to exist? Not die, just where you feel so mentally drained that no matter what choices you have, you just don't feel like doing any of them? You even shun laying in bed and sleeping. Nothing seems like the right thing to do and you become indecisive.

I'm not sure that I made the right decision to go part-time at Disney. I know I can make it work, and God will catch me if I fall, but I was told that today's shoot was the last one scheduled, but I could possibly get a phone call next week, as they come up all the time. Can I afford to live off of the possibility that I MAY get a job? Also, my good insurance got canceled. I am long overdue for a dentist appointment as well as getting my eyes checked and new contacts. Looks like I'm going to have to pay all of this out of pocket. What have I done to myself?

Guess this is where they mean have faith the size of a mustard seed...

Okay, Maybe it Will Rain...A Little.

So it's official. Apartment 2021A is part of the past. I deleted the ex's number, too, as soon as I ditched the keys. Moving on, the memories will stay in my mind, but remain in the past. The ball is in his court now, and it looks like we'll probably have a forfeit due to him not showing up. I'm done with the games.

So everything is moved to my new place of living and all other items are located in storage. I wish this new place could feel like home, but I feel just like a passerby, and that sooner than later, I'll be moving on. Not sure why, maybe it'll just take time. I'm also not really a fan of not working. I have to keep myself occupied, and that's not an easy feat. I have been taking naps for hours and getting nothing accomplished, as Jeremy leaves for work at 1:30, and I'm left here. As if the last three years I haven't lived on my own. I'm not sure why things are different, it's almost more lonely than before. I didn't think that possible.

At least I started to continue organizing my external hard drive. The quicker I get that set, the quicker I can get things edited and move on to the next project, so I'm not really sure why I keep fighting it. Maybe there's greatness in the future and it's the devil fighting me. Who knows. For the past few years I have become less and less religious. I still believe there is a God, but rarely do I pray. Who am I kidding? I don't pray at all. There just came a point where I was wondering what all this 'religious' stuff was about and why I'm supposed to be so perfect. I always fail myself at the perfection thing and then get frustrated that I didn't live up to my expectations. What's the point, if I'm always going to be angry with myself? There came a point where I just said this thing is for the birds, and moved on. I still try to be nice to everyone, love my neighbor and ask God to take me where He wants me to go. I'm not worried about the church thing, I have friends to take care of me when I'm down. Besides, everyone in church is either there to hook up or to point the finger at others so they feel better about themselves. I'm tired of judgemental people who think they are God's gift and have so much authority. I'm aso tired of people treating a man like he's a god and being at his beck and call and abiding by his every word like he has the right to tell them what to do and not do.

Now I've gone off on a tangent, but felt like that needed to be expressed. Let me try to bring things back...

I am suffering from cabin fever. One, from this apartment. I'm wishing it wasn't so darn late and I could get out and go for a walk. Not happening at 10pm in Orlando...Also from cabin fever of this state and even country. I really want to get out and explore more. I need to find a person that has the financial means and will be my travel partner. I want to see more of this planet before it's too late.

So those are my random thoughts for the day. They didn't really piece together at all, but it just flowed from my mind to the keyboard. Hopefully the next two days will be better, as I work and it is the 4th of July on Sunday and I'm having a cookout with Mandy Cuckler =]

Here's to better days in the near future!