Middle Fingers Up to Intuition, Sometimes I'd Rather Be Surprised.

There are times in life where for whatever reason, we just feel helplessly alone. Not physically, but mentally. Our family seems to reject us, and our friends seem to be busy with their own lives, leaving us to ask, "Does anyone still care?"

In my 27 years of existence, there have been very few times in life when I actually felt like I fit in. I was an only child. I grew up in a retirement neighborhood being one of two kids, and most of the time my elementary school mind was trying to fathom why the other kid's mom wasn't allowing us to play together. I had visible tomboy traits until 9th grade. I participated in too many sports and clubs to actually master any of them, being mediocre at best. And then college. The one place that for awhile, I did feel like I had found a niche. And then, in a little over four years time, we had all graduated and moved to different parts of the U.S. Two years following I re-enrolled in another college in hopes of reigniting that feeling. I was left disappointed. And over $15,000 in debt.

Within the last few moments I have come to the realization that all I want is to fit in somewhere. Or more importantly, to be surrounded by friends that feel the same way, united by the common bond of feeling like outcasts. I think that is the reasoning surrounding my draw to New York City. I yearn to be in the company of artistic and creative-minded individuals that are ostracized by society; they don't seem to exist here in Orlando, Florida, except few and far between.

So now that I have poured my soul into the first part of this blog, let me backtrack.

I am no longer joining the Peace Corps, a decision I made back in December of last year. It was just a way of escape for me, and a way that, although being beneficial to the resume, would not particularly be beneficial to a career. By the time I would come back stateside I would be almost 30, with two degrees, a 2-year PC stint, and no career to show for it.

The plan now is to move to NYC in July. I have less than a week remaining at my current residence, my bed and a few pieces of furniture have been sold, and I'm couch surfing for a month in order to (hopefully) save up some money for the move.

Truth is, intuition keeps nagging at me that it's not gonna happen. And that b***h is usually right.

So needless to say, that has me a little in panic mode. Every time I try to get away from this place, I keep getting pulled back. Well I guess I would have to leave in order to get pulled back, so more like a strong shove back into my chair every time I get up. Although intuition is giving me doubts, in no way is she telling me what's happening instead, and for the first time, I am uncertain about where life is taking me.

Guess I'll just continue to make pictures while everything sorts itself out.

Oh, Life's Rollercoaster of Decisions!

I am a visual person. I create with light. I am a lover of pictures. I am a travel junkie. I am strong. I am vulnerable. I am creative. I am an ARTIST.

My website is live! http://www.desireejphoto.com/ :)

Many things have changed since my last post. I have completed my application to the Peace Corps, but have been asked to rewrite my essays, because they were close to what they needed, but not quite. I now see why the statistics are what they are, because it seemed like a great idea at the time, but may have just been an impulse decision. I'm not quite sure yet, as I go back and forth between wanting to go and not. Now that I am pretty positive that I want to get in to architectural photography, I actually have a goal to work towards, but also want to help others and travel the world. The $7,000 at the end of the tour is also a huge incentive, as it will allow me to find an apartment in NYC following my return. Another part of me just wants to research, find a possible paid internship or assistantship with an architectural photographer in NYC and begin living out my dream in the near future.

Decisions, decisions. We all have to make them. As the Peace Corps process takes so long, I will just continue with the process and make my final decision based on where they choose to send me, all the while working towards my architectural portfolio.

I'm anxious to see what the future holds :)

Here are a few examples of my recent experimentations with HDR.

Idle Hands...

I sit here tonight in tears, at the loss of a life, the rememberance of an amazing friend and anger towards me for feeling sorry for myself, when I've been given another day to change my situation. My friend Dashon was not so lucky...

Four years ago today I learned of the passing of my best friend's brother, Dashon Butler. We were close, but not as close as I would have liked to have been, would I be given another chance to have him in my life. We always think we have tomorrow. We don't. The rest of today isn't even promised to us, not another second, even. Are we content with where we are or do we want to change it? If the answer is change, then what do we need to do to change our situation? Sitting and complaining or wallowing in self-pity is not going to do anything but guarantee that our life is a little shorter, given unnecessary stress.

I don't like where I'm at in life right now. They say idle hands are the devil's work and that's what I feel like my life is right now: idle. I am so used to full-time work and full-time school, that as soon as I'm given a little time to rest I get extremely restless. I sleep too much, I am unmotivated. I try to think of things to keep me busy and when I make a list of things, I look at it and decide I'm not in the mood to get them done. I am on Facebook for hours on end, constantly refreshing the page to see what some friend that I haven't talked to since high school graduation is doing on the other side of the country or wondering if the person that I'm constantly thinking about is thinking about me, also. I need to disconnect from the internet and help ME, before I can even consider helping anybody else.

I have made an effort to try and use these extra hours towards something productive, and hopefully sooner than later I will begin to volunteer. I need to stay busy and stay that way. I'd rather have to nap in my car to get sleep than to fight my body that doesn't want to sleep because it has had too much rest. They say be careful what you ask for. Well bring it. I'm ready.

Order in the Court

I figured my parents would be against my decision...

At least at first. I hope that once they educate themselves about the Peace Corps and rid themselves of the myths that they initially have, that they will warm up to the idea. I mean, let's be honest, they're never FULLY going to love the idea, but I'm hoping for them to at least be okay with it. We'll see how it goes.

Other than that, I've only had one friend not agree with it. And he's a Republican, so his opinion doesn't count LOL. Just kidding. I know that even though he doesn't agree with it, it's mostly due to the fact that he doesn't want me to be gone so long. Awww, my friends actually do love me :)

Today I got half way through the application process. They say it usually takes around to two weeks to complete, so I'm in no rush. After that it has to be reviewed, I have to be interviewed, nominated, medically and legally cleared and invited to serve, all before I can prepare for departure. It's going to be a long ride, but I'm looking forward to it.

In the meantime, I'm trying to get everything in order here in the States. Student loans approved for deferment, loan interest paid, everything into my storage facility, considering what to do with my car (more than likely it will be sold), having to give up my phone number that I've had for seven years and in general just trying to prep myself for leaving behind the only things in life that mean anything to me, friends and family. Y'all better write me incessantly!

As far as my feelings towards a certain individual, I'm thinking of just keeping them to myself, unless God has other plans. What will it solve at this point? It would only make my decision even harder and I've already committed to this cause. I hope to keep in contact with him and who knows what two years from now will bring :)

So please continue with me on this journey. Continue to be my support team, as I will need all the encouragement I can get. A girl couldn't ask for better friends <3

And So It Begins...

And so it begins...

I've been doing a lot of research lately and have almost officially decided that I am going to join the Peace Corps. The specs sound pretty amazing and it's just what I've been looking for, a way to get out of my apartment, out of Orlando and help out other people around the world. Doesn't hurt that I get to travel in order to do so. But now that I've made this decision, I have peope telling me that it's the wrong thing to do and that is deheartening. I feel that I can accomplish something for the greater good while building my photography portfolio. In fact everything about it makes me want to hop on a plane now and start training, except one thing, my friends and family. That is honestly the one thing that has me actually contemplating. If I feel lonely now, here in the midst of my family and most of my friends, how will I survive so far away? But I think it's time.

Time to let go, time to get out on my own and live more than an hour away from the family that raised me. Time for me to realize just how much they mean to me, as they say absense makes the heart grow fonder. Truth is, I think there's only one person that could get me to change my mind, if he were to ask me to stay, I would. But I do not feel the chances of that happening are great.

I bought storage bins today and started packing things in them. Time to slowly take everything to the storage facility and arrange things so that everything will fit.

Tomorrow I start the application process and next week I am attending orientation for working with at-risk kids in Parramore and possibly another orientation for teaching literacy. I want to work with the youth of whichever country I choose and empower them. I can see their faces now and I can't wait to meet them.

Never before in my life have I felt this strongly that I'm making the right decision. The Holy Spirit is my guide and I shall listen to what He has to say and move when He says move. If I'm already experiencing opposition like this, I feel confident that I am on the right path.

Missing him and wishing we were together.

LIFE IS CALLING. HOW FAR WILL YOU GO?

Feelings, We All Have Them.

Feeling this way for someone is amazing, until you miss them so much it hurts...

I don't know the next move to make. They say a field such as photography is not for the weak or those who give up easily, which is why I am not letting these set backs affect me. I am hanging on and moving on, taking opportunities and networking as much as I can. Eventually there has to be a break through, right? I got a small dose of what it was like to live without worrying about money and now I'm back to the same position I was in before, only this time without a full-time job.

Half of the time I'm feeling this way and then half of the time I'm encouraging myself to push further. I envy my married friends and those in serious relationships that have a support system and someone that they can lean on who will encourage them, as well. This loneliness thing is starting to affect me more and more each day. I don't like feeling this way and I hope that it comes to an end soon.

When will it be MY time?!

This een workin', and neither am I.

This een workin, and neither am I.

I now know why I hate coming back from vacation and why I'm so depressed when I get back here. It's because when I'm away, there's always stuff for me to be doing. Places to go, people to see, friends checkin on me to see how I am and telling me what time they're coming for me or what the agenda is for the day. And then here, nothing. No work, no need to set an alarm in the morning to be ready for anything. Some people would say that's the life to have, but it's not for me. I need to be active, to be on-the-go. Seems like I went from working like a slave to not working at all. There's gotta be a happy medium, right? I prayin it comes soon.

Ideally I'd work 2-3 days a week and have the rest off to do things that I want and need to do. That way I wouldn't have to stress over bills, but could also have fun.

That and this whole 'love' thing, I'm fairly convinced it's for the birds. I'm tired of this emotional rollercoaster, with my happiness dependent on someone, someone that probably doesn't even know it.

I need to get a life. Or seriously revamp the one I have.