Risk It.

All I want are for things to be simple.

No clutter. No drama. No chaos. Just SIMPLE.

I am counting down the (31) days until graduation and I'm excited about this one. I am trying to put aside the stress and take in as much as I can, because I know with me constantly living in the past, it will only be a matter of time before I wish that I was back at Daytona State College and in Florida. I anticipate the home sickness and am a little nervous for it. I have never lived more than an hour away from my parents and never been more than a few months without seeing them. I have a feeling that this will be difficult, but I welcome it with open arms, as this is something that I need to do. I have made the perfect transition, from high school graduation, to moving an hour away and now to moving out-of-state. As long as I am this close, I will continue to depend on their help (that I am extremely thankful for) and I need to learn to stand on my own two feet. It is time. I believe that I have come a long way from where I started, but I have a ways to go. I look forward to the challenge.

So a friend told me today that before she moved to New York she had cold feet for a year. Then she realized she needed to just do it and she got rid of most of her belongings, packed the car and moved there. I won't lie, I am nervous as hell. It's not that I don't think I can make it, it's just...well, I don't know what it is, really. Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure. But most of all, I think it's fear of success. For so long I've been okay with being mediocre and safe. It's time that I take a risk. Time to work to live and not live to work.

I cannot wait to explore the City with my camera. The City That Never Sleeps is so unique, unlike any other in the world. And yet completely the same. I'm excited for having an endless list of to-do's, but not the boring, mundane, I'm-only-doing-this-because-I-have-to ones. I'm excited to organize all my images, catalog them and eventually start a website. I'm excited to learn what type of photography I enjoy most and to hone in on the skills for that particular field. Photography is absolutely amazing. It is the same media with the ability to do things hundred of different ways.

So I'm nervous. Meh. I'll leave you with some quotes that I have found that have encouraged me. Hope they do the same for you.

"If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, you'll probably never do much of anything." -Win Borden

"A ship is safe in harbour. But that's not what ships are for." -William Shedd

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." -Anais Nin

Okay, this one just struck me so super hard...
"Pitful is the person who is afraid of taking risks. Perhaps this person will never be disappointed or disillusioned; perhaps she won't suffer the way people do when they have a dream to follow. But when the person looks back-she will hear her heart." -Paolo Coelho

My So-Called Random Thoughts

So much on my mind and no idea where to start...

Tomorrow could be the start of a new life for me. A chance to make that leap from job to career, a leap that many people never get to see, for one reason or another. And I'm nervous. I'm not sure why, as tomorrow I will only be assessing things and learning how things are done, not actually working myself. I just hope I say the right things. I hope that they continue to like me and ask me to come back. I need the money and to catch a so-called 'break', if you will. And I want to do things right. This is an opportunity that I did not have, or make available for myself, after UCF and all this time I have been scared that it won't happen. Or maybe, I've been afraid it will.

For so long in my life I have been okay with being mediocre, or perhaps just slightly above. I've been afraid to risk it and become something greater. I have a huge phobia of being laughed at and ridiculed for doing something wrong. It must stop.

On a completely different note (or maybe not so different), it has been over 15 months and this guy won't get out of my head. Is it because I can't do without him, or is because of this loneliness I feel? I have the greatest friends in the world and yet it's a struggle every night, wishing that I wasn't alone. He doesn't help the situation. I've tried being friends with him and all I want is to talk to him, because when we talk, there is hope that we will one day again be 'us.' I've tried not talking to him. That only leads me to constantly wondering how he is doing and then calling him to find out. My mind tells me the smartest thing to do is move on. But the strangest thing is that I don't want to move on. I want to continually fantasize about what our life could be like. Yea, maybe it's not healthy, but it's not an obsession, just what I think about some nights or when I'm driving, listening to those sappy love songs that I can't pry myself away from.

So there are my thoughts for tonight. I shall let you know soon how tomorrow went. Until then, peace and blessings, peace and blessings.

Starting Over.

I become vulnerable in 3...2...1...

I don't know what to do. At this point in my life I don't ever want to even think about doing another school assignment. I don't want to work full-time at Disney anymore. I don't want to wake up with my day already planned out for me. I need days off. I need moments where work, school and YES, even photography, are not constantly on my mind. Only 45 days left until graduation. This has been an amazing year and a half, but I'm ready to be done. To move on. I feel trapped.

Trapped in this cage that consists of clocking in and clocking out, being to class on time or being locked out. I'm either stuck inside trying to get out or stuck outside trying to get in. Story of my life. I want a world where I can be free. Free to get up (some days) on my own accord, free to work when I feel like working (with the obvious realization that not all days will be like this), free to roam the streets and photograph, free to do my own work without someone telling me I should manipulate it, when all I want is for it to be the way I captured it. Just free. Free to not be in this cage. Free to be ME.

I need a change. A drastic one, but one that is worth it.

Ahh, this whole New York thing. I dream of New York and wake up thinking about it. I've only been there once. What if that one week in the City that never sleeps was not enough to completely realize if it's a place that I want to live? People love to be dream-killers and thanks to them, I now doubt a decision that was once so solid. But it's a decision that ultimately, only I can make. Do I have doubts? Yes. Am I scared? Yes. But am I determined? YES. I have never in my life made a decision to go for something and not followed through. At the very least I can say I tried it and it didn't work. But if I never try, I will be constantly reminded of what might have been...and it will remain only that, a dream.

I need to surround myself with positive thinkers and doers. For too long I have been in a negative state-of-mind and I'm over being that way. But when one does not have passion for what they do, and ESPECIALLY when they're not making money at it, a negative state-of-mind is inevitable.

I have been too safe for too long. It's time to step outside and take a risk. A big one. I need adventure. I need a road trip. To anywhere. With LOTS of photographing. I need to clear my mind. I feel as if I'm always behind and constantly trying to play catch-up, but it's all in vain.

I need to start over.

Okay, end of creepy rant. As you were.