My So-Called Random Thoughts

So much on my mind and no idea where to start...

Tomorrow could be the start of a new life for me. A chance to make that leap from job to career, a leap that many people never get to see, for one reason or another. And I'm nervous. I'm not sure why, as tomorrow I will only be assessing things and learning how things are done, not actually working myself. I just hope I say the right things. I hope that they continue to like me and ask me to come back. I need the money and to catch a so-called 'break', if you will. And I want to do things right. This is an opportunity that I did not have, or make available for myself, after UCF and all this time I have been scared that it won't happen. Or maybe, I've been afraid it will.

For so long in my life I have been okay with being mediocre, or perhaps just slightly above. I've been afraid to risk it and become something greater. I have a huge phobia of being laughed at and ridiculed for doing something wrong. It must stop.

On a completely different note (or maybe not so different), it has been over 15 months and this guy won't get out of my head. Is it because I can't do without him, or is because of this loneliness I feel? I have the greatest friends in the world and yet it's a struggle every night, wishing that I wasn't alone. He doesn't help the situation. I've tried being friends with him and all I want is to talk to him, because when we talk, there is hope that we will one day again be 'us.' I've tried not talking to him. That only leads me to constantly wondering how he is doing and then calling him to find out. My mind tells me the smartest thing to do is move on. But the strangest thing is that I don't want to move on. I want to continually fantasize about what our life could be like. Yea, maybe it's not healthy, but it's not an obsession, just what I think about some nights or when I'm driving, listening to those sappy love songs that I can't pry myself away from.

So there are my thoughts for tonight. I shall let you know soon how tomorrow went. Until then, peace and blessings, peace and blessings.