Compelling Power

There's this feeling I get. This awe-inspiring, top-of-the-world, draw me in and keep me there, natural high that consumes me whenever I am taking part in a production. And then just like that, it is taken from me when it's over, and I'm left feeling desolate and empty. Although I've never been a junkie, I can imagine that this is their experience.

This feeling envelopes me every time I'm a part of something that an elite few of us get the honor of enjoying. I love and embrace being in the middle of something, but not necessarily the center of attention. To be able to say I was there, that I was able to partake in the moment, that is what I long for. Even knowing what the outcome will be, the sorrow that will inevitably follow, the addiction still reaches out with welcome. And then leaves me yearning to be in its presence, but feeling like it will never come around again.

It happened when I was interning at a radio station back in Florida, when I had a camera in my hand and was photographing or filming onstage. It even happens when I merely attend a concert and am one of the lucky few close to the front. And it happened yesterday when I was attending The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. This power, this uncontrollable sense of happiness that I rarely get to experience, a feeling of that is where I need to be in life.

But how? I try to stay encouraged in the face of defeat, but there's only so much rejection that I can take before I become completely overwhelmed. It's not for lack of trying, although I am my own worst critic and often tell myself otherwise. It is very defeating when I see people that are financially capable of pursuing whatever dream they want and I can't. There is so much that I could do if money was not a factor and I'm trying to conjure up creative ideas that cost little to no money.

I lack experience and it's as if no one is willing to take a chance on someone anymore. I know that I can work hard, especially if it's something that I believe in, but how do I go about it? What exactly do I want and how do I get there? I am indecisive and lost. I'm trying to find my way and keep my head up, but I feel so much weight and obstacles baring down on me. I am a fighter and am not willing to give up. But what if I just end up fighting forever and never accomplish anything? What will it have been worth? My biggest fear is being unsuccessful when I die. To me success isn't defined by money or financial worth, it's defined by what you're worth to people and living a life that is self-satisfying. I'm not satisfied. I haven't been for awhile. I am not one to wait around and wait for something to be handed to me, but I honestly don't know what to do next.