And So It Begins...

And so it begins...

I've been doing a lot of research lately and have almost officially decided that I am going to join the Peace Corps. The specs sound pretty amazing and it's just what I've been looking for, a way to get out of my apartment, out of Orlando and help out other people around the world. Doesn't hurt that I get to travel in order to do so. But now that I've made this decision, I have peope telling me that it's the wrong thing to do and that is deheartening. I feel that I can accomplish something for the greater good while building my photography portfolio. In fact everything about it makes me want to hop on a plane now and start training, except one thing, my friends and family. That is honestly the one thing that has me actually contemplating. If I feel lonely now, here in the midst of my family and most of my friends, how will I survive so far away? But I think it's time.

Time to let go, time to get out on my own and live more than an hour away from the family that raised me. Time for me to realize just how much they mean to me, as they say absense makes the heart grow fonder. Truth is, I think there's only one person that could get me to change my mind, if he were to ask me to stay, I would. But I do not feel the chances of that happening are great.

I bought storage bins today and started packing things in them. Time to slowly take everything to the storage facility and arrange things so that everything will fit.

Tomorrow I start the application process and next week I am attending orientation for working with at-risk kids in Parramore and possibly another orientation for teaching literacy. I want to work with the youth of whichever country I choose and empower them. I can see their faces now and I can't wait to meet them.

Never before in my life have I felt this strongly that I'm making the right decision. The Holy Spirit is my guide and I shall listen to what He has to say and move when He says move. If I'm already experiencing opposition like this, I feel confident that I am on the right path.

Missing him and wishing we were together.

LIFE IS CALLING. HOW FAR WILL YOU GO?

Feelings, We All Have Them.

Feeling this way for someone is amazing, until you miss them so much it hurts...

I don't know the next move to make. They say a field such as photography is not for the weak or those who give up easily, which is why I am not letting these set backs affect me. I am hanging on and moving on, taking opportunities and networking as much as I can. Eventually there has to be a break through, right? I got a small dose of what it was like to live without worrying about money and now I'm back to the same position I was in before, only this time without a full-time job.

Half of the time I'm feeling this way and then half of the time I'm encouraging myself to push further. I envy my married friends and those in serious relationships that have a support system and someone that they can lean on who will encourage them, as well. This loneliness thing is starting to affect me more and more each day. I don't like feeling this way and I hope that it comes to an end soon.

When will it be MY time?!

This een workin', and neither am I.

This een workin, and neither am I.

I now know why I hate coming back from vacation and why I'm so depressed when I get back here. It's because when I'm away, there's always stuff for me to be doing. Places to go, people to see, friends checkin on me to see how I am and telling me what time they're coming for me or what the agenda is for the day. And then here, nothing. No work, no need to set an alarm in the morning to be ready for anything. Some people would say that's the life to have, but it's not for me. I need to be active, to be on-the-go. Seems like I went from working like a slave to not working at all. There's gotta be a happy medium, right? I prayin it comes soon.

Ideally I'd work 2-3 days a week and have the rest off to do things that I want and need to do. That way I wouldn't have to stress over bills, but could also have fun.

That and this whole 'love' thing, I'm fairly convinced it's for the birds. I'm tired of this emotional rollercoaster, with my happiness dependent on someone, someone that probably doesn't even know it.

I need to get a life. Or seriously revamp the one I have.

And Then There's...

If ever there was such thing as post-partum vacation depression, I'm convinced I have it.

If I try to explain, and even when I think about it, it just makes me seem ridiculous and in need of just getting over it. But it's more than that. It's other things on top of that, things that are completely unrelated, that are affecting me, as well.

For starters, there's the whole job situation. I can almost say that the food assistant job is over. I doubt they'll call me anymore, and if they did, I'm not sure that I feel comfortable returning. The way the photographer conducted business with me I feel was unprofessional, and she was not honest, just gave me weird looks, seeming she already knew that her other assistant from last year was back full time and that I was now taking a backseat. Thanks for the heads up.

So that leaves me only working at the Sports Complex two days a week, and now that summer activities are winding down, now only once a week. This brings unnecessary stress of whether or not I will be able to afford my bills in the long run. In the short run, I'll be just fine. Long run, we'll see how things pan out.

Should I get another part-time job? Is there anything around here that I would even remotely want to do? I am back to resenting Orlando and wanting to get out of here. It has been a great eight years, but I'm so ready to move on and start over new.

Then there's this guy. This guy is amazing. I think of him when I wake up, when I go to sleep and numerous times throughout the day. At first it was the best feeling, and when I'm around him, there's no other place on earth or in the universe that I would rather be. His voice, his style, his courtesy towards me, it is all so attractive. But I don't know if he feels the same and I'm not good with rejection. I dream of the way I want things to be, but I don't want to make a wonderful friendship awkward. I get butterflies when I'm around him and I can't even begin to describe that feeling that I haven't felt in so long. I'm constantly checking Facebook to see if there's a message or a comment from him and it's beginning to be way too much. I need to separate myself and stop worrying. If it's God's will, it'll be done, but patience is still a virtue that I'm working on.

Then there's the future. They say it takes care of itself, but I'm at least trying to make some sort of plan. But where to start? What do I really want to do? NYC? Somewhere else? Photography, yes, but what field? I'm hoping to start the website process tomorrow, but then how do I market myself? I don't know the first thing about business and that's even more stress.

They say to let go and let God, but what happens when you forget how to do that? =/

I Feel Like Blah, That Means It's Bedtime...

I've been having a lot of alone time lately, and I'm not a fan.

As contradictory as it seems, since I am shy at first, I actually prefer to be around people and to constantly be on the go. Now I enjoy some R&R as much as the next person, but if I have too much, I get bored and my thoughts tend to think about situations that I'd rather them not think about, i.e. exes, money and such. I am also spending way too much time on Facebook and I feel as if I do not have a life. I try to use this time to be productive, whether it's cleaning or mapping out the future or editing photos, but with my roommate gone to work every evening and me not working as much as I thought that I would, I have become in severe need of developing a hobby.

On the up-side, I am taking another trip soon. This time I will be traveling back to Freeport, Grand Bahama, but via cruise, not plane. I'm excited to see my friends that live there. I love getting to chill with people that live in a specific place, b/c I feel as if I get to see more of the area than if I were to just travel as a tourist.

I'm really hoping to get some more days of working at the new job. I went part-time at Disney thinking that this would be an opportunity to make more money, but now I'm not being scheduled. I don't know if there just aren't any shoots, or if her old assistant from last year is taking all the days. Either way, I'm kind of worried. I should still make enough money to get by, but I have student loans coming up that I will start to have to pay back, and I need more income. Well it's in God's hands. I just did what I was told, and now it's up to Him to provide =]

Going to work out in the morning before work at the Sports Complex. It's funny how one's mood can change so randomly. Earlier I couldn't be more excited for what is coming up and now I'm just blah. That means it's bedtime.

Mo' Money, Mo' Problems.

Ever have those times where you just wish you could cease to exist? Not die, just where you feel so mentally drained that no matter what choices you have, you just don't feel like doing any of them? You even shun laying in bed and sleeping. Nothing seems like the right thing to do and you become indecisive.

I'm not sure that I made the right decision to go part-time at Disney. I know I can make it work, and God will catch me if I fall, but I was told that today's shoot was the last one scheduled, but I could possibly get a phone call next week, as they come up all the time. Can I afford to live off of the possibility that I MAY get a job? Also, my good insurance got canceled. I am long overdue for a dentist appointment as well as getting my eyes checked and new contacts. Looks like I'm going to have to pay all of this out of pocket. What have I done to myself?

Guess this is where they mean have faith the size of a mustard seed...

Okay, Maybe it Will Rain...A Little.

So it's official. Apartment 2021A is part of the past. I deleted the ex's number, too, as soon as I ditched the keys. Moving on, the memories will stay in my mind, but remain in the past. The ball is in his court now, and it looks like we'll probably have a forfeit due to him not showing up. I'm done with the games.

So everything is moved to my new place of living and all other items are located in storage. I wish this new place could feel like home, but I feel just like a passerby, and that sooner than later, I'll be moving on. Not sure why, maybe it'll just take time. I'm also not really a fan of not working. I have to keep myself occupied, and that's not an easy feat. I have been taking naps for hours and getting nothing accomplished, as Jeremy leaves for work at 1:30, and I'm left here. As if the last three years I haven't lived on my own. I'm not sure why things are different, it's almost more lonely than before. I didn't think that possible.

At least I started to continue organizing my external hard drive. The quicker I get that set, the quicker I can get things edited and move on to the next project, so I'm not really sure why I keep fighting it. Maybe there's greatness in the future and it's the devil fighting me. Who knows. For the past few years I have become less and less religious. I still believe there is a God, but rarely do I pray. Who am I kidding? I don't pray at all. There just came a point where I was wondering what all this 'religious' stuff was about and why I'm supposed to be so perfect. I always fail myself at the perfection thing and then get frustrated that I didn't live up to my expectations. What's the point, if I'm always going to be angry with myself? There came a point where I just said this thing is for the birds, and moved on. I still try to be nice to everyone, love my neighbor and ask God to take me where He wants me to go. I'm not worried about the church thing, I have friends to take care of me when I'm down. Besides, everyone in church is either there to hook up or to point the finger at others so they feel better about themselves. I'm tired of judgemental people who think they are God's gift and have so much authority. I'm aso tired of people treating a man like he's a god and being at his beck and call and abiding by his every word like he has the right to tell them what to do and not do.

Now I've gone off on a tangent, but felt like that needed to be expressed. Let me try to bring things back...

I am suffering from cabin fever. One, from this apartment. I'm wishing it wasn't so darn late and I could get out and go for a walk. Not happening at 10pm in Orlando...Also from cabin fever of this state and even country. I really want to get out and explore more. I need to find a person that has the financial means and will be my travel partner. I want to see more of this planet before it's too late.

So those are my random thoughts for the day. They didn't really piece together at all, but it just flowed from my mind to the keyboard. Hopefully the next two days will be better, as I work and it is the 4th of July on Sunday and I'm having a cookout with Mandy Cuckler =]

Here's to better days in the near future!