Idle Hands...

I sit here tonight in tears, at the loss of a life, the rememberance of an amazing friend and anger towards me for feeling sorry for myself, when I've been given another day to change my situation. My friend Dashon was not so lucky...

Four years ago today I learned of the passing of my best friend's brother, Dashon Butler. We were close, but not as close as I would have liked to have been, would I be given another chance to have him in my life. We always think we have tomorrow. We don't. The rest of today isn't even promised to us, not another second, even. Are we content with where we are or do we want to change it? If the answer is change, then what do we need to do to change our situation? Sitting and complaining or wallowing in self-pity is not going to do anything but guarantee that our life is a little shorter, given unnecessary stress.

I don't like where I'm at in life right now. They say idle hands are the devil's work and that's what I feel like my life is right now: idle. I am so used to full-time work and full-time school, that as soon as I'm given a little time to rest I get extremely restless. I sleep too much, I am unmotivated. I try to think of things to keep me busy and when I make a list of things, I look at it and decide I'm not in the mood to get them done. I am on Facebook for hours on end, constantly refreshing the page to see what some friend that I haven't talked to since high school graduation is doing on the other side of the country or wondering if the person that I'm constantly thinking about is thinking about me, also. I need to disconnect from the internet and help ME, before I can even consider helping anybody else.

I have made an effort to try and use these extra hours towards something productive, and hopefully sooner than later I will begin to volunteer. I need to stay busy and stay that way. I'd rather have to nap in my car to get sleep than to fight my body that doesn't want to sleep because it has had too much rest. They say be careful what you ask for. Well bring it. I'm ready.

Order in the Court

I figured my parents would be against my decision...

At least at first. I hope that once they educate themselves about the Peace Corps and rid themselves of the myths that they initially have, that they will warm up to the idea. I mean, let's be honest, they're never FULLY going to love the idea, but I'm hoping for them to at least be okay with it. We'll see how it goes.

Other than that, I've only had one friend not agree with it. And he's a Republican, so his opinion doesn't count LOL. Just kidding. I know that even though he doesn't agree with it, it's mostly due to the fact that he doesn't want me to be gone so long. Awww, my friends actually do love me :)

Today I got half way through the application process. They say it usually takes around to two weeks to complete, so I'm in no rush. After that it has to be reviewed, I have to be interviewed, nominated, medically and legally cleared and invited to serve, all before I can prepare for departure. It's going to be a long ride, but I'm looking forward to it.

In the meantime, I'm trying to get everything in order here in the States. Student loans approved for deferment, loan interest paid, everything into my storage facility, considering what to do with my car (more than likely it will be sold), having to give up my phone number that I've had for seven years and in general just trying to prep myself for leaving behind the only things in life that mean anything to me, friends and family. Y'all better write me incessantly!

As far as my feelings towards a certain individual, I'm thinking of just keeping them to myself, unless God has other plans. What will it solve at this point? It would only make my decision even harder and I've already committed to this cause. I hope to keep in contact with him and who knows what two years from now will bring :)

So please continue with me on this journey. Continue to be my support team, as I will need all the encouragement I can get. A girl couldn't ask for better friends <3

And So It Begins...

And so it begins...

I've been doing a lot of research lately and have almost officially decided that I am going to join the Peace Corps. The specs sound pretty amazing and it's just what I've been looking for, a way to get out of my apartment, out of Orlando and help out other people around the world. Doesn't hurt that I get to travel in order to do so. But now that I've made this decision, I have peope telling me that it's the wrong thing to do and that is deheartening. I feel that I can accomplish something for the greater good while building my photography portfolio. In fact everything about it makes me want to hop on a plane now and start training, except one thing, my friends and family. That is honestly the one thing that has me actually contemplating. If I feel lonely now, here in the midst of my family and most of my friends, how will I survive so far away? But I think it's time.

Time to let go, time to get out on my own and live more than an hour away from the family that raised me. Time for me to realize just how much they mean to me, as they say absense makes the heart grow fonder. Truth is, I think there's only one person that could get me to change my mind, if he were to ask me to stay, I would. But I do not feel the chances of that happening are great.

I bought storage bins today and started packing things in them. Time to slowly take everything to the storage facility and arrange things so that everything will fit.

Tomorrow I start the application process and next week I am attending orientation for working with at-risk kids in Parramore and possibly another orientation for teaching literacy. I want to work with the youth of whichever country I choose and empower them. I can see their faces now and I can't wait to meet them.

Never before in my life have I felt this strongly that I'm making the right decision. The Holy Spirit is my guide and I shall listen to what He has to say and move when He says move. If I'm already experiencing opposition like this, I feel confident that I am on the right path.

Missing him and wishing we were together.

LIFE IS CALLING. HOW FAR WILL YOU GO?

Feelings, We All Have Them.

Feeling this way for someone is amazing, until you miss them so much it hurts...

I don't know the next move to make. They say a field such as photography is not for the weak or those who give up easily, which is why I am not letting these set backs affect me. I am hanging on and moving on, taking opportunities and networking as much as I can. Eventually there has to be a break through, right? I got a small dose of what it was like to live without worrying about money and now I'm back to the same position I was in before, only this time without a full-time job.

Half of the time I'm feeling this way and then half of the time I'm encouraging myself to push further. I envy my married friends and those in serious relationships that have a support system and someone that they can lean on who will encourage them, as well. This loneliness thing is starting to affect me more and more each day. I don't like feeling this way and I hope that it comes to an end soon.

When will it be MY time?!

This een workin', and neither am I.

This een workin, and neither am I.

I now know why I hate coming back from vacation and why I'm so depressed when I get back here. It's because when I'm away, there's always stuff for me to be doing. Places to go, people to see, friends checkin on me to see how I am and telling me what time they're coming for me or what the agenda is for the day. And then here, nothing. No work, no need to set an alarm in the morning to be ready for anything. Some people would say that's the life to have, but it's not for me. I need to be active, to be on-the-go. Seems like I went from working like a slave to not working at all. There's gotta be a happy medium, right? I prayin it comes soon.

Ideally I'd work 2-3 days a week and have the rest off to do things that I want and need to do. That way I wouldn't have to stress over bills, but could also have fun.

That and this whole 'love' thing, I'm fairly convinced it's for the birds. I'm tired of this emotional rollercoaster, with my happiness dependent on someone, someone that probably doesn't even know it.

I need to get a life. Or seriously revamp the one I have.

And Then There's...

If ever there was such thing as post-partum vacation depression, I'm convinced I have it.

If I try to explain, and even when I think about it, it just makes me seem ridiculous and in need of just getting over it. But it's more than that. It's other things on top of that, things that are completely unrelated, that are affecting me, as well.

For starters, there's the whole job situation. I can almost say that the food assistant job is over. I doubt they'll call me anymore, and if they did, I'm not sure that I feel comfortable returning. The way the photographer conducted business with me I feel was unprofessional, and she was not honest, just gave me weird looks, seeming she already knew that her other assistant from last year was back full time and that I was now taking a backseat. Thanks for the heads up.

So that leaves me only working at the Sports Complex two days a week, and now that summer activities are winding down, now only once a week. This brings unnecessary stress of whether or not I will be able to afford my bills in the long run. In the short run, I'll be just fine. Long run, we'll see how things pan out.

Should I get another part-time job? Is there anything around here that I would even remotely want to do? I am back to resenting Orlando and wanting to get out of here. It has been a great eight years, but I'm so ready to move on and start over new.

Then there's this guy. This guy is amazing. I think of him when I wake up, when I go to sleep and numerous times throughout the day. At first it was the best feeling, and when I'm around him, there's no other place on earth or in the universe that I would rather be. His voice, his style, his courtesy towards me, it is all so attractive. But I don't know if he feels the same and I'm not good with rejection. I dream of the way I want things to be, but I don't want to make a wonderful friendship awkward. I get butterflies when I'm around him and I can't even begin to describe that feeling that I haven't felt in so long. I'm constantly checking Facebook to see if there's a message or a comment from him and it's beginning to be way too much. I need to separate myself and stop worrying. If it's God's will, it'll be done, but patience is still a virtue that I'm working on.

Then there's the future. They say it takes care of itself, but I'm at least trying to make some sort of plan. But where to start? What do I really want to do? NYC? Somewhere else? Photography, yes, but what field? I'm hoping to start the website process tomorrow, but then how do I market myself? I don't know the first thing about business and that's even more stress.

They say to let go and let God, but what happens when you forget how to do that? =/

I Feel Like Blah, That Means It's Bedtime...

I've been having a lot of alone time lately, and I'm not a fan.

As contradictory as it seems, since I am shy at first, I actually prefer to be around people and to constantly be on the go. Now I enjoy some R&R as much as the next person, but if I have too much, I get bored and my thoughts tend to think about situations that I'd rather them not think about, i.e. exes, money and such. I am also spending way too much time on Facebook and I feel as if I do not have a life. I try to use this time to be productive, whether it's cleaning or mapping out the future or editing photos, but with my roommate gone to work every evening and me not working as much as I thought that I would, I have become in severe need of developing a hobby.

On the up-side, I am taking another trip soon. This time I will be traveling back to Freeport, Grand Bahama, but via cruise, not plane. I'm excited to see my friends that live there. I love getting to chill with people that live in a specific place, b/c I feel as if I get to see more of the area than if I were to just travel as a tourist.

I'm really hoping to get some more days of working at the new job. I went part-time at Disney thinking that this would be an opportunity to make more money, but now I'm not being scheduled. I don't know if there just aren't any shoots, or if her old assistant from last year is taking all the days. Either way, I'm kind of worried. I should still make enough money to get by, but I have student loans coming up that I will start to have to pay back, and I need more income. Well it's in God's hands. I just did what I was told, and now it's up to Him to provide =]

Going to work out in the morning before work at the Sports Complex. It's funny how one's mood can change so randomly. Earlier I couldn't be more excited for what is coming up and now I'm just blah. That means it's bedtime.