Oh, Life's Rollercoaster of Decisions!

I am a visual person. I create with light. I am a lover of pictures. I am a travel junkie. I am strong. I am vulnerable. I am creative. I am an ARTIST.

My website is live! http://www.desireejphoto.com/ :)

Many things have changed since my last post. I have completed my application to the Peace Corps, but have been asked to rewrite my essays, because they were close to what they needed, but not quite. I now see why the statistics are what they are, because it seemed like a great idea at the time, but may have just been an impulse decision. I'm not quite sure yet, as I go back and forth between wanting to go and not. Now that I am pretty positive that I want to get in to architectural photography, I actually have a goal to work towards, but also want to help others and travel the world. The $7,000 at the end of the tour is also a huge incentive, as it will allow me to find an apartment in NYC following my return. Another part of me just wants to research, find a possible paid internship or assistantship with an architectural photographer in NYC and begin living out my dream in the near future.

Decisions, decisions. We all have to make them. As the Peace Corps process takes so long, I will just continue with the process and make my final decision based on where they choose to send me, all the while working towards my architectural portfolio.

I'm anxious to see what the future holds :)

Here are a few examples of my recent experimentations with HDR.

Idle Hands...

I sit here tonight in tears, at the loss of a life, the rememberance of an amazing friend and anger towards me for feeling sorry for myself, when I've been given another day to change my situation. My friend Dashon was not so lucky...

Four years ago today I learned of the passing of my best friend's brother, Dashon Butler. We were close, but not as close as I would have liked to have been, would I be given another chance to have him in my life. We always think we have tomorrow. We don't. The rest of today isn't even promised to us, not another second, even. Are we content with where we are or do we want to change it? If the answer is change, then what do we need to do to change our situation? Sitting and complaining or wallowing in self-pity is not going to do anything but guarantee that our life is a little shorter, given unnecessary stress.

I don't like where I'm at in life right now. They say idle hands are the devil's work and that's what I feel like my life is right now: idle. I am so used to full-time work and full-time school, that as soon as I'm given a little time to rest I get extremely restless. I sleep too much, I am unmotivated. I try to think of things to keep me busy and when I make a list of things, I look at it and decide I'm not in the mood to get them done. I am on Facebook for hours on end, constantly refreshing the page to see what some friend that I haven't talked to since high school graduation is doing on the other side of the country or wondering if the person that I'm constantly thinking about is thinking about me, also. I need to disconnect from the internet and help ME, before I can even consider helping anybody else.

I have made an effort to try and use these extra hours towards something productive, and hopefully sooner than later I will begin to volunteer. I need to stay busy and stay that way. I'd rather have to nap in my car to get sleep than to fight my body that doesn't want to sleep because it has had too much rest. They say be careful what you ask for. Well bring it. I'm ready.

Order in the Court

I figured my parents would be against my decision...

At least at first. I hope that once they educate themselves about the Peace Corps and rid themselves of the myths that they initially have, that they will warm up to the idea. I mean, let's be honest, they're never FULLY going to love the idea, but I'm hoping for them to at least be okay with it. We'll see how it goes.

Other than that, I've only had one friend not agree with it. And he's a Republican, so his opinion doesn't count LOL. Just kidding. I know that even though he doesn't agree with it, it's mostly due to the fact that he doesn't want me to be gone so long. Awww, my friends actually do love me :)

Today I got half way through the application process. They say it usually takes around to two weeks to complete, so I'm in no rush. After that it has to be reviewed, I have to be interviewed, nominated, medically and legally cleared and invited to serve, all before I can prepare for departure. It's going to be a long ride, but I'm looking forward to it.

In the meantime, I'm trying to get everything in order here in the States. Student loans approved for deferment, loan interest paid, everything into my storage facility, considering what to do with my car (more than likely it will be sold), having to give up my phone number that I've had for seven years and in general just trying to prep myself for leaving behind the only things in life that mean anything to me, friends and family. Y'all better write me incessantly!

As far as my feelings towards a certain individual, I'm thinking of just keeping them to myself, unless God has other plans. What will it solve at this point? It would only make my decision even harder and I've already committed to this cause. I hope to keep in contact with him and who knows what two years from now will bring :)

So please continue with me on this journey. Continue to be my support team, as I will need all the encouragement I can get. A girl couldn't ask for better friends <3

And So It Begins...

And so it begins...

I've been doing a lot of research lately and have almost officially decided that I am going to join the Peace Corps. The specs sound pretty amazing and it's just what I've been looking for, a way to get out of my apartment, out of Orlando and help out other people around the world. Doesn't hurt that I get to travel in order to do so. But now that I've made this decision, I have peope telling me that it's the wrong thing to do and that is deheartening. I feel that I can accomplish something for the greater good while building my photography portfolio. In fact everything about it makes me want to hop on a plane now and start training, except one thing, my friends and family. That is honestly the one thing that has me actually contemplating. If I feel lonely now, here in the midst of my family and most of my friends, how will I survive so far away? But I think it's time.

Time to let go, time to get out on my own and live more than an hour away from the family that raised me. Time for me to realize just how much they mean to me, as they say absense makes the heart grow fonder. Truth is, I think there's only one person that could get me to change my mind, if he were to ask me to stay, I would. But I do not feel the chances of that happening are great.

I bought storage bins today and started packing things in them. Time to slowly take everything to the storage facility and arrange things so that everything will fit.

Tomorrow I start the application process and next week I am attending orientation for working with at-risk kids in Parramore and possibly another orientation for teaching literacy. I want to work with the youth of whichever country I choose and empower them. I can see their faces now and I can't wait to meet them.

Never before in my life have I felt this strongly that I'm making the right decision. The Holy Spirit is my guide and I shall listen to what He has to say and move when He says move. If I'm already experiencing opposition like this, I feel confident that I am on the right path.

Missing him and wishing we were together.

LIFE IS CALLING. HOW FAR WILL YOU GO?

Feelings, We All Have Them.

Feeling this way for someone is amazing, until you miss them so much it hurts...

I don't know the next move to make. They say a field such as photography is not for the weak or those who give up easily, which is why I am not letting these set backs affect me. I am hanging on and moving on, taking opportunities and networking as much as I can. Eventually there has to be a break through, right? I got a small dose of what it was like to live without worrying about money and now I'm back to the same position I was in before, only this time without a full-time job.

Half of the time I'm feeling this way and then half of the time I'm encouraging myself to push further. I envy my married friends and those in serious relationships that have a support system and someone that they can lean on who will encourage them, as well. This loneliness thing is starting to affect me more and more each day. I don't like feeling this way and I hope that it comes to an end soon.

When will it be MY time?!

This een workin', and neither am I.

This een workin, and neither am I.

I now know why I hate coming back from vacation and why I'm so depressed when I get back here. It's because when I'm away, there's always stuff for me to be doing. Places to go, people to see, friends checkin on me to see how I am and telling me what time they're coming for me or what the agenda is for the day. And then here, nothing. No work, no need to set an alarm in the morning to be ready for anything. Some people would say that's the life to have, but it's not for me. I need to be active, to be on-the-go. Seems like I went from working like a slave to not working at all. There's gotta be a happy medium, right? I prayin it comes soon.

Ideally I'd work 2-3 days a week and have the rest off to do things that I want and need to do. That way I wouldn't have to stress over bills, but could also have fun.

That and this whole 'love' thing, I'm fairly convinced it's for the birds. I'm tired of this emotional rollercoaster, with my happiness dependent on someone, someone that probably doesn't even know it.

I need to get a life. Or seriously revamp the one I have.

And Then There's...

If ever there was such thing as post-partum vacation depression, I'm convinced I have it.

If I try to explain, and even when I think about it, it just makes me seem ridiculous and in need of just getting over it. But it's more than that. It's other things on top of that, things that are completely unrelated, that are affecting me, as well.

For starters, there's the whole job situation. I can almost say that the food assistant job is over. I doubt they'll call me anymore, and if they did, I'm not sure that I feel comfortable returning. The way the photographer conducted business with me I feel was unprofessional, and she was not honest, just gave me weird looks, seeming she already knew that her other assistant from last year was back full time and that I was now taking a backseat. Thanks for the heads up.

So that leaves me only working at the Sports Complex two days a week, and now that summer activities are winding down, now only once a week. This brings unnecessary stress of whether or not I will be able to afford my bills in the long run. In the short run, I'll be just fine. Long run, we'll see how things pan out.

Should I get another part-time job? Is there anything around here that I would even remotely want to do? I am back to resenting Orlando and wanting to get out of here. It has been a great eight years, but I'm so ready to move on and start over new.

Then there's this guy. This guy is amazing. I think of him when I wake up, when I go to sleep and numerous times throughout the day. At first it was the best feeling, and when I'm around him, there's no other place on earth or in the universe that I would rather be. His voice, his style, his courtesy towards me, it is all so attractive. But I don't know if he feels the same and I'm not good with rejection. I dream of the way I want things to be, but I don't want to make a wonderful friendship awkward. I get butterflies when I'm around him and I can't even begin to describe that feeling that I haven't felt in so long. I'm constantly checking Facebook to see if there's a message or a comment from him and it's beginning to be way too much. I need to separate myself and stop worrying. If it's God's will, it'll be done, but patience is still a virtue that I'm working on.

Then there's the future. They say it takes care of itself, but I'm at least trying to make some sort of plan. But where to start? What do I really want to do? NYC? Somewhere else? Photography, yes, but what field? I'm hoping to start the website process tomorrow, but then how do I market myself? I don't know the first thing about business and that's even more stress.

They say to let go and let God, but what happens when you forget how to do that? =/

I Feel Like Blah, That Means It's Bedtime...

I've been having a lot of alone time lately, and I'm not a fan.

As contradictory as it seems, since I am shy at first, I actually prefer to be around people and to constantly be on the go. Now I enjoy some R&R as much as the next person, but if I have too much, I get bored and my thoughts tend to think about situations that I'd rather them not think about, i.e. exes, money and such. I am also spending way too much time on Facebook and I feel as if I do not have a life. I try to use this time to be productive, whether it's cleaning or mapping out the future or editing photos, but with my roommate gone to work every evening and me not working as much as I thought that I would, I have become in severe need of developing a hobby.

On the up-side, I am taking another trip soon. This time I will be traveling back to Freeport, Grand Bahama, but via cruise, not plane. I'm excited to see my friends that live there. I love getting to chill with people that live in a specific place, b/c I feel as if I get to see more of the area than if I were to just travel as a tourist.

I'm really hoping to get some more days of working at the new job. I went part-time at Disney thinking that this would be an opportunity to make more money, but now I'm not being scheduled. I don't know if there just aren't any shoots, or if her old assistant from last year is taking all the days. Either way, I'm kind of worried. I should still make enough money to get by, but I have student loans coming up that I will start to have to pay back, and I need more income. Well it's in God's hands. I just did what I was told, and now it's up to Him to provide =]

Going to work out in the morning before work at the Sports Complex. It's funny how one's mood can change so randomly. Earlier I couldn't be more excited for what is coming up and now I'm just blah. That means it's bedtime.

Mo' Money, Mo' Problems.

Ever have those times where you just wish you could cease to exist? Not die, just where you feel so mentally drained that no matter what choices you have, you just don't feel like doing any of them? You even shun laying in bed and sleeping. Nothing seems like the right thing to do and you become indecisive.

I'm not sure that I made the right decision to go part-time at Disney. I know I can make it work, and God will catch me if I fall, but I was told that today's shoot was the last one scheduled, but I could possibly get a phone call next week, as they come up all the time. Can I afford to live off of the possibility that I MAY get a job? Also, my good insurance got canceled. I am long overdue for a dentist appointment as well as getting my eyes checked and new contacts. Looks like I'm going to have to pay all of this out of pocket. What have I done to myself?

Guess this is where they mean have faith the size of a mustard seed...

Okay, Maybe it Will Rain...A Little.

So it's official. Apartment 2021A is part of the past. I deleted the ex's number, too, as soon as I ditched the keys. Moving on, the memories will stay in my mind, but remain in the past. The ball is in his court now, and it looks like we'll probably have a forfeit due to him not showing up. I'm done with the games.

So everything is moved to my new place of living and all other items are located in storage. I wish this new place could feel like home, but I feel just like a passerby, and that sooner than later, I'll be moving on. Not sure why, maybe it'll just take time. I'm also not really a fan of not working. I have to keep myself occupied, and that's not an easy feat. I have been taking naps for hours and getting nothing accomplished, as Jeremy leaves for work at 1:30, and I'm left here. As if the last three years I haven't lived on my own. I'm not sure why things are different, it's almost more lonely than before. I didn't think that possible.

At least I started to continue organizing my external hard drive. The quicker I get that set, the quicker I can get things edited and move on to the next project, so I'm not really sure why I keep fighting it. Maybe there's greatness in the future and it's the devil fighting me. Who knows. For the past few years I have become less and less religious. I still believe there is a God, but rarely do I pray. Who am I kidding? I don't pray at all. There just came a point where I was wondering what all this 'religious' stuff was about and why I'm supposed to be so perfect. I always fail myself at the perfection thing and then get frustrated that I didn't live up to my expectations. What's the point, if I'm always going to be angry with myself? There came a point where I just said this thing is for the birds, and moved on. I still try to be nice to everyone, love my neighbor and ask God to take me where He wants me to go. I'm not worried about the church thing, I have friends to take care of me when I'm down. Besides, everyone in church is either there to hook up or to point the finger at others so they feel better about themselves. I'm tired of judgemental people who think they are God's gift and have so much authority. I'm aso tired of people treating a man like he's a god and being at his beck and call and abiding by his every word like he has the right to tell them what to do and not do.

Now I've gone off on a tangent, but felt like that needed to be expressed. Let me try to bring things back...

I am suffering from cabin fever. One, from this apartment. I'm wishing it wasn't so darn late and I could get out and go for a walk. Not happening at 10pm in Orlando...Also from cabin fever of this state and even country. I really want to get out and explore more. I need to find a person that has the financial means and will be my travel partner. I want to see more of this planet before it's too late.

So those are my random thoughts for the day. They didn't really piece together at all, but it just flowed from my mind to the keyboard. Hopefully the next two days will be better, as I work and it is the 4th of July on Sunday and I'm having a cookout with Mandy Cuckler =]

Here's to better days in the near future!

Not Gonna Rain On My Parade.

The clouds are rolling in, as I take the last few items from the apartment to the car, but it won't rain on my parade-I'm almost out of here!

I've had my time with this apartment. Time to reminisce, time get get emotional and time to say good-bye. I'm ready for this to be over and to move on. I feel as if the next chapter has already begun, while this one hasn't even closed yet. Wednesday cannot come fast enough.

For the last few weeks I have been focused on packing and moving, and have not thought about New York much, until now. I was speaking to a friend about her possibly moving there and looking at the pictures from another. I cannot wait to focus on editing my photographs from the last few years and then moving on to future endeavors. New York is my goal and I need to make a plan to get there.

But first, I have to get my life in order.

So here's to the next few days, weeks, months, years...here's to the life I dream of...

The Past, the Present and the Future.

And so it has begun...

I started the moving process today. Took over all my clothes and everything from my closet, as well as a few other items. As I pack up the place, I am reminded of when I first moved in. I was excited, nervous, scared that I wouldn't be able to make it on my own, but these last three years have taught me a lot about myself. Now I know just how strong I really am and how much effort I am willing to put forth to make something work. I've learned how to work as a team and how to stand on my own two feet when that team falls apart. I've learned that life is what we make of it and we can sit back and wait for things to come to us, or we can get up and fight for what we want. I've said hello and good-bye in this apartment more times than I care to recall, but would not trade them for anything, as they have allowed me to spend time with wonderful people that I love and will never forget. My Mom always tells me if I can assess a situation and the good outweighs the bad, everything is alright. Well, everything is alright, I guess... =]

I've been thinking a lot about where to go from here, what to pursue, what to let go of, and what to do to leave behind not just a body when I die, but a legacy, something that made the world a better place. I have a list of items to purchase within the next few months that will allow me to get organized, edit photos and put my life on the track that I want it to be on. But after that, then what? What kind of photography do I wish to pursue? One thing is for sure, I don't want to do photography to just get paid. I want my photography to help humanity. I am interested in going to another country, and poverty and hunger are the two issues that I want to tackle. Now that I will have the financial means, I hope to research different non-profit organizations and see what they have to offer. I want to help people and make them smile. That is, the ones who deserve it and have little to nothing else going for them. I feel like I can learn a lot about life from someone that doesn't even speak my language =]

Hellllloooo Seattle.

So quite a bit has happened since my last post, but one major thing. I have made the decision not to move out of Florida just yet. I did a lot of deliberating and came to the conclusion that it would be a mistake to up and leave this amazing job that I have currently. So instead, I'm packing up and moving to Jeremy's at the end of the month and doing lots of traveling. As we speak, I am in Oak Harbor, Washington! My boss told me that I wasn't needed on Wednesday, giving me a five day weekend and I made a spontaneous choice to come over here to visit Ali and Kellilynn! Yesterday I traveled from Orlando to Denver, Colorado and then on to Seattle. We walked around downtown and did some shopping and ate at Red Robin by the waterfront. Afterwards we went up in the Space Needle and I got plenty of pictures. Then we came home to Ali's house and Kellilynn came over and we ate Oreos and talked for a bit. Today we are watching the kids and we just ate a really big breakfast complete with eggs, bacon, sausage and toast.

Last week I went down to Fort Lauderdale to spend time with my friends from the Bahamas, Mark and Ahamard. We went down to Miami during Memorial Day weekend and had lots of fun. I miss them already!

So I am anxious to see where I will travel to next. I plan on building up my portfolio and getting my website and business cards done soon. I'm excited for the future!

Until next time...

As We Go On, We Remember, All the Times We Had Together

Pomp and Circumstance has faded. Friends and family have come and gone. Reality begins to set in...

All day I have been in the process of packing up my apartment and getting things organized. After three years, I will call 2021 Apt A home for only 37 more days and I couldn't be more excited. Of course it is bittersweet, as this was my first apartment by myself and a stepping stone that has shown me just how much strength I have. I never had to ask my parents for money to help pay the rent for this apartment, nor for my other bills while I was here. They supplimented me in other ways, as in helping out with school, but I took another step to becoming completely independent. There are also many memories in this apartment. The first few nights of living here, Cordell stayed with me. This is the place he knew every time he came from Antigua to visit and every room of this apartment holds memories of the two of us. I cooked the first real dinner for him in this apartment. I lived here throughout my entire journey in photography school, but now is as good of a time as any to move on. Florida, you have been good to me, but it's time to try new things.

So the road to graduation has officially ended and the ceremony was a success. I love my friends and know that we will keep in touch no matter where life leads us from here. I officially have four degrees now. A high school diploma, AA, Bachelor's of Arts and Associate of Science, making me the class of 2002, 2006 and 2010. What's up next for 2014? Gotta do it big haha.

So I have really been spending a lot of time with my friends lately and I must say, they are pretty amazing. We have the best times and then come home and Facebook about the quotes from the night for hours. I wonder how long this Facebook fad will last until it's on to the next thing, but I'm extremely grateful for it! While some choose to keep their lives private, and respectfully so, I enjoy the fact that my life and personality are all laid out for people to see and read about. Thank you Monica, Brooke, Jonathan, Pamela, Ellen, Bruno, Liz, Leilani and all the amazing other work friends that I have. Also thanks to Michela, Kim Aiken, Colleen, Takiya, Kisha, Laura, Amber, Mark and all my other friends. Thank you for making my life so amazing and worth getting up for in the morning. We have had some unforgettable times and I'm sure they're not going to end any time soon!

As I continue to see how my life will unfold from here, please continue on this journey with me.

GO ORLANDO MAGIC!

My Life. Where Amazing Happens.

Bittersweet.

That's exactly what this moment feels like. I can't decide if I am happy or sad. Excited or nervous. I think that it's all of those rolled in to one. My stint at Daytona State College is officially over and graduation lingers in the distance. I have a new part-time job as an assistant to a food photographer and yet I just said good-bye last night to one of my favorite people on the planet, Brooke Caccavelli. Funny how life works. I don't know why I got so emotional, but I did. I cried all the way home, mostly thinking of how I just said good-bye again to another friend, Liz Durbin, earlier in the week, and how it seems that as soon as I get close to someone, they always leave. Even with all that, I have been the happiest that I think that I have ever been. Maybe I'm afraid that they'll take my happiness with them when they leave. I used to be so afraid to say that I was happy, because every time that I did, whatever I was happy about went away. But now, it's as if I have had something lifted off my shoulders. I am no longer dependent on a man to make me happy, but dependent on my friends, of which I have the most amazing ever. I could not ask for better people in my life right now.

So yesterday was a success and a disaster. I did not really know what to expect, but in the whole scheme of things, they went smoothly and ended well. I made a thousand U-turns trying to find where places were around the studio. I ordered lunch from the wrong Panera and they were angry when I cancelled the order. I freaked out that I did not buy the correct looking broccoli, lemons or limes and felt nervous at times when I was just standing around not doing anything. But I got my own key and at the end of the day when Susan and I were talking with one of the stylists, Susan said that many people from Daytona State have wanted to work with her over the years, but I am the one that got the position. I sealed the deal when I sent a Christmas card (thank you, Patrick Van Dusen!). She said I did very well and that all of this was just part of the learning curve. I am so blessed to have someone that is so successful take me under their wing. This is what I've been hoping and praying for for so long and I really feel as if this is going to lead me to something wonderful. God is so good.

So here's to new beginnings. A chapter in my life is about to come to a close and a new one is beginning. Here's to that new chapter being even more amazing than the last.

*CHEERS*

Heads in Beds. Chicken and Chairs.

For the first time in my life I am not worried about what the future holds. I am hopeful and excited for the adventure that awaits me. It finally hit me the other day. I am almost finished with this chapter of my life and am about to move on. I am trying to take in everything around me. I realized just how many memories I have here in Orlando, both good and bad, but they make my life what it is today. From my first move to the UCF area and transitioning into adulthood, to meeting the most amazing people at the Sports Complex and everything in between. I would not change my life. I have made mistakes, but ultimately learned from them. I have realized that I am stronger than I thought and that if I put my mind to something, it will become reality. I'm going to miss it here, just as I missed NSB after I left. I am blessed with the most amazing friends that are continuously telling me they don't want me to leave and a family that has been there for me through the ups and downs. I am truly blessed and thankful for it all. Sometimes I take it for granted, but when I think about it, I realize that I don't know what I'd ever do without them. Thank you all for the most amazing 26 years. Let's keep it going.

So I don't really write too much about events that have occurred, as I do not want this to be a diary of 'this is what I did today,' but whenever something pertains to reaching my photography goals, it deserves mentioning. So the other day I shadowed a Disney photographer, the ones that do weddings and conventions. It was very interesting and enlightening. I learned that I know more than I thought I knew, and that was very comforting knowing that I can be successful at this stage.

We were doing what was called a RUSH bridal shoot and we started off by picking up the bride and groom (Amy and Mark) from Disney's Wilderness Lodge. We then drove over to Magic Kingdom and took shots in front of the castle, behind the castle and a few other locations. The set up was fairly simple. Camera mounted on the tripod with on-camera flash and a stand that held another off-camera flash, as well, that slaved to the first one. There were also small daylight balanced video lights, the size of my palm, that I had never seen before, but helped throw lots of light on to the couple. Very convenient. Joe, the photog, realized that he had forgotten to stop by and pick up the bouquet, so he was forced to take the beginning shots with her posing her hands as if she were holding it, until it arrived. Then we traveled to Hollywood Studios and took photos in front of Tower of Terror, the hat, Star Tours, the Muppets fountain, the Chinese theater and a few other locations. All of the bridal shoots are done before park hours, so it was neat to be able to see the park without having to be working turnstiles.

We then returned to the office and since it was a RUSH, Joe began editing right away. He was unaware of how to place the bouquet into the bride's hands, so he called over Bob, the Photoshop guru. I told him that I knew how I would do it, but didn't know if it was the easiest or most efficient. He asked how I would do it and I told him I would lasso the bouquet, drag it over and erase to the background. He said that was exactly how it was done! It made me feel good that I knew something the photographer didn't know.

The coordinator Tonya then gave me a tour of the building. Disney is amazing. I know I say a lot about how horrendous it is, and yes, it can be, but there are parts that are just amazing, I will admit. In this building they do not only the photography, but graphic arts, audio and video, floral designs, celebration baskets and so much more. Just seeing so many creative people under one roof made me happy!

Well, today is Cinco de Mayo and my friends and I are having an epic party! Plus, Liz comes into town this evening and I am super excited for the next week! School is almost over and then it's time to pack up the apartment. I can't wait for my first 'white' Christmas.

Risk It.

All I want are for things to be simple.

No clutter. No drama. No chaos. Just SIMPLE.

I am counting down the (31) days until graduation and I'm excited about this one. I am trying to put aside the stress and take in as much as I can, because I know with me constantly living in the past, it will only be a matter of time before I wish that I was back at Daytona State College and in Florida. I anticipate the home sickness and am a little nervous for it. I have never lived more than an hour away from my parents and never been more than a few months without seeing them. I have a feeling that this will be difficult, but I welcome it with open arms, as this is something that I need to do. I have made the perfect transition, from high school graduation, to moving an hour away and now to moving out-of-state. As long as I am this close, I will continue to depend on their help (that I am extremely thankful for) and I need to learn to stand on my own two feet. It is time. I believe that I have come a long way from where I started, but I have a ways to go. I look forward to the challenge.

So a friend told me today that before she moved to New York she had cold feet for a year. Then she realized she needed to just do it and she got rid of most of her belongings, packed the car and moved there. I won't lie, I am nervous as hell. It's not that I don't think I can make it, it's just...well, I don't know what it is, really. Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure. But most of all, I think it's fear of success. For so long I've been okay with being mediocre and safe. It's time that I take a risk. Time to work to live and not live to work.

I cannot wait to explore the City with my camera. The City That Never Sleeps is so unique, unlike any other in the world. And yet completely the same. I'm excited for having an endless list of to-do's, but not the boring, mundane, I'm-only-doing-this-because-I-have-to ones. I'm excited to organize all my images, catalog them and eventually start a website. I'm excited to learn what type of photography I enjoy most and to hone in on the skills for that particular field. Photography is absolutely amazing. It is the same media with the ability to do things hundred of different ways.

So I'm nervous. Meh. I'll leave you with some quotes that I have found that have encouraged me. Hope they do the same for you.

"If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, you'll probably never do much of anything." -Win Borden

"A ship is safe in harbour. But that's not what ships are for." -William Shedd

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." -Anais Nin

Okay, this one just struck me so super hard...
"Pitful is the person who is afraid of taking risks. Perhaps this person will never be disappointed or disillusioned; perhaps she won't suffer the way people do when they have a dream to follow. But when the person looks back-she will hear her heart." -Paolo Coelho

My So-Called Random Thoughts

So much on my mind and no idea where to start...

Tomorrow could be the start of a new life for me. A chance to make that leap from job to career, a leap that many people never get to see, for one reason or another. And I'm nervous. I'm not sure why, as tomorrow I will only be assessing things and learning how things are done, not actually working myself. I just hope I say the right things. I hope that they continue to like me and ask me to come back. I need the money and to catch a so-called 'break', if you will. And I want to do things right. This is an opportunity that I did not have, or make available for myself, after UCF and all this time I have been scared that it won't happen. Or maybe, I've been afraid it will.

For so long in my life I have been okay with being mediocre, or perhaps just slightly above. I've been afraid to risk it and become something greater. I have a huge phobia of being laughed at and ridiculed for doing something wrong. It must stop.

On a completely different note (or maybe not so different), it has been over 15 months and this guy won't get out of my head. Is it because I can't do without him, or is because of this loneliness I feel? I have the greatest friends in the world and yet it's a struggle every night, wishing that I wasn't alone. He doesn't help the situation. I've tried being friends with him and all I want is to talk to him, because when we talk, there is hope that we will one day again be 'us.' I've tried not talking to him. That only leads me to constantly wondering how he is doing and then calling him to find out. My mind tells me the smartest thing to do is move on. But the strangest thing is that I don't want to move on. I want to continually fantasize about what our life could be like. Yea, maybe it's not healthy, but it's not an obsession, just what I think about some nights or when I'm driving, listening to those sappy love songs that I can't pry myself away from.

So there are my thoughts for tonight. I shall let you know soon how tomorrow went. Until then, peace and blessings, peace and blessings.

Starting Over.

I become vulnerable in 3...2...1...

I don't know what to do. At this point in my life I don't ever want to even think about doing another school assignment. I don't want to work full-time at Disney anymore. I don't want to wake up with my day already planned out for me. I need days off. I need moments where work, school and YES, even photography, are not constantly on my mind. Only 45 days left until graduation. This has been an amazing year and a half, but I'm ready to be done. To move on. I feel trapped.

Trapped in this cage that consists of clocking in and clocking out, being to class on time or being locked out. I'm either stuck inside trying to get out or stuck outside trying to get in. Story of my life. I want a world where I can be free. Free to get up (some days) on my own accord, free to work when I feel like working (with the obvious realization that not all days will be like this), free to roam the streets and photograph, free to do my own work without someone telling me I should manipulate it, when all I want is for it to be the way I captured it. Just free. Free to not be in this cage. Free to be ME.

I need a change. A drastic one, but one that is worth it.

Ahh, this whole New York thing. I dream of New York and wake up thinking about it. I've only been there once. What if that one week in the City that never sleeps was not enough to completely realize if it's a place that I want to live? People love to be dream-killers and thanks to them, I now doubt a decision that was once so solid. But it's a decision that ultimately, only I can make. Do I have doubts? Yes. Am I scared? Yes. But am I determined? YES. I have never in my life made a decision to go for something and not followed through. At the very least I can say I tried it and it didn't work. But if I never try, I will be constantly reminded of what might have been...and it will remain only that, a dream.

I need to surround myself with positive thinkers and doers. For too long I have been in a negative state-of-mind and I'm over being that way. But when one does not have passion for what they do, and ESPECIALLY when they're not making money at it, a negative state-of-mind is inevitable.

I have been too safe for too long. It's time to step outside and take a risk. A big one. I need adventure. I need a road trip. To anywhere. With LOTS of photographing. I need to clear my mind. I feel as if I'm always behind and constantly trying to play catch-up, but it's all in vain.

I need to start over.

Okay, end of creepy rant. As you were.

Wish I Knew Then...

No matter what events unfold, one thing is for sure. One chapter of my life is coming to an end and another is about to begin.

When I embarked on my first degree, I was so young. Straight out of high school I moved out of my parents' house, in with roommates I had never met before and began attending a four-year university with no sense of direction for my life or any idea of the knowledge that I now possess. I chose a major from an elective that I enjoyed in high school after my first semester, and without any research on the best college to attend for that field. I was never truly happy, only getting by. Four years came and went and after the hype of the graduation party and walking across the stage was over, real life began. I was unprepared.

Two years later I was stuck in a box office staring out a window almost every day of my life, making under $8/hr. and wondering what went wrong. I had a four-year degree from a successful university and here I was, wasting my life away. I had to do something.

I began writing things down. I made a list of all the things that made me happy and tried to find a new career that incorporated as many of those things as possible. Photography won by a landslide. Hello travel and an end to monotony!

This time I did my research. I narrowed it down to two schools, one in Tampa and one in Daytona Beach. The decision was not a hard one, as Daytona State College offered a place close to my hometown and a tuition that was amazing. I filled out a FAFSA and applied for student loans. I wanted to show my parents that I really wanted this and that I was responsible enough to get things done on my own.

It is now two years later and graduation is slowly creeping up on me. I have learned so much more this time around, both about photography and about myself. I've learned my strengths and my weaknesses and how to overcome being shy, or at least, how to work on it. I have no clue where I will go from here. My lease is up the last day of June and as of yet, I do not have a full-time position lined up anywhere, although there is a promising assistantship in the works. My dream is to live in the city that never sleeps, the gateway to America, the Big Apple, but only time will tell where my life will go from here. At least the one thing I can say this time, I'm ready.